my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
