Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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