she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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