Don't you send me to vm
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
