it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
