tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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