I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
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