2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
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