remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
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