I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
