he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
