don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
