I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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