saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
