omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
