Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Randomize
