i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Randomize
