i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
