thus making me awesome and them whores
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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