I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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