I think I died a long time ago.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
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