if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
