Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
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