He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
