Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
