All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
