the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
