I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
i out mim tonsoeep
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
