Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
