Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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