does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
