i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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