It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
