But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
