I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
