Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
You can't special order awesome
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
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