i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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