her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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