She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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