I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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