Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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