Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
