and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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