I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
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