Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
