Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
