It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
So I just went to clothing optional bar
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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