How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
