There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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