Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
