The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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