I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Randomize
