When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
